radiation poisoning

*making a pot of tea*
Small: "Mummymummymummy!!"
Me: "What?"
Small: "You have to eat these berries right now, really fast, before the clock strikes twelve!"
Me: "Oh, ok. Why?"
Small: "They'll make you better; you have radiation poisoning!"
Me: "Crikey! Best eat 'em up quick then, hadn't I?!" *makes gobble noises*
Me: "Done."
Small: "How do you feel?"
Me: "I feel good."
Small: "How good?"
Me: "Well, I don't feel like I have radiation poisoning, that's for sure!"
Small: "It's worked!" *runs away grinning*

look what happened!

*standing at bus stop*
Small: Look mummy, my tooth is wobbly!
Me: Oh wow, yes so it is.
*2 minutes later*
Small: *holding out tooth in his blood-covered hand, while more blood drips from his mouth* Mummy! Look what happened!!
Me: Arrrghh, child!! *rummaging for tissue* What did you do that for?!
Small: Well it had been wobbly for a long time...
Me: *sigh*

you can do some work

Tiny: mummy, I'd like to watch a film.
Me: oh right, what film would you like to watch?
Tiny: Littlefoot.
Me: *cringing* I really don't want to watch Littlefoot....
Tiny: then you can do some work and I will watch it! *smiling*

it's not raining!

(Actually happened June 20 2012)

Tiny: mummy, can you tell daddy it's not raining?
Me: *looking outside at the rain* um... no.
Tiny: *pouting* Daddy! It's not raining!
Manwife: it is raining! Daisy (Tiny's teddy) has to stay inside!

news and weather

Little's news (actually happened on October 28 2011)

Good morning and welcome to BBC Look North, I'm here with some weather and some headlines. This morning a big fire was heard, and all the police dogs and polices were called because some people were firing some houses. This was at the prime minister's hotel. Now here's the weather. Yes I'm here with the weather, in Scotland we have some showers and some sparkly things down here, in Wales and Northern Ireland there's sunny spells. Now coming up at half past 9 we've some people from Strictly Come Dancing. Here's some more headlines. Some people on some farms have had [incomprehensible]

hollow leg syndrome

(Actually happened April 26 2012)

Me: I think someone (indicating Small) is going through a growth spurt; he's got hollow leg syndrome.
Little: what's that mean?
Me: it means he's eating so much that we think his legs might be hollow cuz how else would he fit all the food in?
Little: ooooh.
Me: d'ya think that's what you've got Small?
Small: *shakes head*
Me: no? just a tummy that empties whenever someone opens a door? (something he said earlier on this week)
Small: yep!
Manwife: *grinning* I dunno, what we gonna do with you Small?!
Little: sell him!

whose Jaffa cake?

(Actually happened May 15 2012)

Tiny: mummy...
Me: yes?
Tiny: can I... can I have.... um... can I have... can... can I have a... *pauses and sighs* that's your Jaffa cake over there, isn't it?
Me: yes it is.
Tiny: *sigh*